I Wanna Be Rich

I've written about my monetary woes before, but boy oh boy, lemme tell ya-- I didn't KNOW woe.

(I also didn't--and don't-- know Bo)

I had a lovely 10 days at my parents' house over Thanksgiving, only to come back to 500 letters (OK, maybe not 500, but definitely enough so that my roommates who were so fortunate as to get the mail probably think I'm some kind of financial outlaw) from my different grad school loan outlets, demanding I begin to repay them.  Alright, and maybe "demanding" is an exaggeration too.  They didn't send some guy from Little Italy to break my legs, they just all happened to mail me actual pieces of paper within the same week letting me know that-- congratulations!-- I can start repaying the thousands and thousands of dollars I borrowed to advance my education.

The ironic thing is that when I was borrowing these inordinate sums of money they a) didn't seem like that much (because I'm beginning to realize I have very little respect for the value of a dollar...though it seems like the rest of the world's economy agrees with me there) and b) were borrowed with the mindset that they were an "investment".  As in "going to graduate school is going to make me a more competitive applicant on the job market, and paying double for ivy league graduate schools should make me quadruply as attractive" (2 grad schools x 2 times the price = me graduating and making $500,000 a year in fantasy land).  Because that's the thing about "investments"...you are supposed to get back more than you put out.  However, I must've gone to the Madoff of grad schools and borrowed from the Madoff of financial institutions because I ain't seen nothing yet.  

(Bbbbbaby I just ain't seen nothin' yet)

So, to quote one of my favorite books, Shopaholic, I either need to "CB or MMM"-- Cut Back or Make More Money.  Obviously, I am not a "CB" kinda girl.  However, in this horrific job market, MMM doesn't seem to be an immediate option.  I have spent all afternoon and evening thinking about all of the different things I'm going to have to cut out of my life:

-I canceled my internet plan for my Blackberry.  Since I have a computer with unrestricted internet all day at work and a laptop at home, it really was a luxury.  Especially considering that I commute via subway-- meaning that the only time I'd actually NEED internet on my phone (traveling between my home and office), I don't have service anyway.  But boy will I miss feeling cool.

-Goose and Bulls.  Goodbye my almost lover, goodbye my hopeless dream.  I'm trying not to think about you, can you just let me be?  It'll be Monster Energy Drinks (vomit) and well vodka from here on out.

-Waxing.  Fine, fine.  I can tweeze my own eyebrows like a common prostitute, but I do NOT know how I'll give up bikini waxes.  My only saving grace is that I'm not in a relationship right now, so I'm free to be..."me" until it's time to sleep with someone.  Also, maybe this can help me slow dooooown the amount of time I spend before dragging someone into my bed.  Though, if you know me, you know it's never stopped me before.  Damnit!  This will be a tough one.  My only luxury from here on out though is food.  Hm.  Maybe I'll just have to learn to live on Ramen so I can feel like a lady.   

-Taxi cab confessions.  I love taking cabs!  They're so convenient.  They're comfortable.  They're raping my wallet.  I guess I shoooould try and get some use out of the unlimited metro card I pay close to $100 for a month anyway...sigh.

-Adios, convenient gym membership.  Guess I'll be shlepping my sneaks up to the office with me every day to work out in their facilities.  Don't get me wrong, it's an awesome gym and I have no problem ogling the 19 year old hockey players lifting weights, I am just lazy and already carry so much with me to and from work that my purse puts Mary Poppins to shame.  Ha, I mean a lamp?  Is that the best you can do, Mary??


-Ordering in food.  I just found a receipt under a piece of furniture for $25 at Dominos.  Really, self?  Why didn't you save the money and the time eating and just slather the calories RIGHT on your ass?

-Ciao, pedicures.  Sigh.  But they make my feet look so purdy.  Good thing I bought a PedEgg.  Guess I'm about to get my money's worth of that bad boy.

OK, I have to stop now.  I'm getting all ferklempt.  PedEggs?  Public transportation?  Just...put me out of my misery.  But, to quote my aunt when my uncle cracked down on her shopping budget after finding out she owns 65 pairs of boots (not shooooes, BOOTS alone), "I had a good run."

I also think it is no coincidence that as a child, one of my favorite songs was Calloway's "I Wanna Be Rich":
 

And you might be interested to know that my "rich" fantasy is equally as dated.