I attempted to use an automated teller at the Post Office today on 3rd avenue in Midtown. I've got an Ivy League masters degree and couldn't figure out how to purchase a 44-cent postage stamp.
I can't help but wonder what hope there is for the rest of America.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
New Year, New Me
2011 is going to be all about Me.
I mean, every other year has been; why stop now?
In this vein, I have decided to take better care of myself. For the month of January I am experimenting with being a vegetarian. I miss meat terribly (don't worry, I didn't give up allllllll meat winkwink), but I'm proud of the sacrifice and my willingness to step outside of my comfort zone. I'm not proud of the carbo-loading I've been doing, and February will probably be the time of lean protein and steamed veggies so March can be "ThankGodIFitIntoTheseJeansAgain" month.
I've taken up yoga again, even buying my own mat...at WholeFoods no less! Boy, am I Earth-friendly.
I'm trying to wake up when my alarm goes off and am picking out my clothes the night before. I am truly embarrassed to confess how much time this is saving me in the mornings, so I will omit a factual figure here. Let's just say "a lot".
I have also made the decision to finally get LASIK surgery in 2011. My eye doctor has been telling me to do it for years (which baffles me, because if I don't need glasses anymore I probably won't be swinging by his office...ever), my parents keep saying I'm crazy not to, and my friends are probably sick of me being too vain to wear my glasses out, but for medical reasons incapable of wearing my contacts, and thus always begging "please don't lose me!" when we go to a bar. I left work a little early today and decided to kill some evening time researching places at which I might want to arrange consultations. So far I have only found one establishment, which I must rule out for purely grammatical reasons.
Exhibit A: The Sentence
"However, in interest of full disclosure, in extremely rare cases, there have been complications on record, which required additional surgery to correct the problems."
I mean let's start off with the very first part, "in interest of full disclosure." It is "in THE interest of full disclosure," but OK, fine. I read that phrase twice and figured it didn't sound too awful without the "the". Then I finished the sentence. Jesus Christ, how many commas can you put in there? Four apparently. But OK, fine. I can overlook that too. Maybe this person was out of breath when they wrote this, panting the whole time they were banging away on their keyboard. Alright. Then, though, I came across
Exhibit B: The Phrase
"such has"
Alright, a typo...maybe. I mean hell, it could be like getting confused about the Elton John lyrics "hold me closer tiny dancer" and "hold me closer Tony Danza" (only confusing to children of the Who's The Boss era, really). But maybe, maybe, if you've only ever said and/or heard the phrase "such as" spoken relatively quickly, it could...coooouuuuuld sound like "such has". Or maybe if you've only ever heard this phrase spoken in the following video:
I mean, every other year has been; why stop now?
(In related news: I will be sporting this t-shirt under everything
I wear this year, like Clark Kent and his Superman suit)
In this vein, I have decided to take better care of myself. For the month of January I am experimenting with being a vegetarian. I miss meat terribly (don't worry, I didn't give up allllllll meat winkwink), but I'm proud of the sacrifice and my willingness to step outside of my comfort zone. I'm not proud of the carbo-loading I've been doing, and February will probably be the time of lean protein and steamed veggies so March can be "ThankGodIFitIntoTheseJeansAgain" month.
I've taken up yoga again, even buying my own mat...at WholeFoods no less! Boy, am I Earth-friendly.
I'm trying to wake up when my alarm goes off and am picking out my clothes the night before. I am truly embarrassed to confess how much time this is saving me in the mornings, so I will omit a factual figure here. Let's just say "a lot".
I have also made the decision to finally get LASIK surgery in 2011. My eye doctor has been telling me to do it for years (which baffles me, because if I don't need glasses anymore I probably won't be swinging by his office...ever), my parents keep saying I'm crazy not to, and my friends are probably sick of me being too vain to wear my glasses out, but for medical reasons incapable of wearing my contacts, and thus always begging "please don't lose me!" when we go to a bar. I left work a little early today and decided to kill some evening time researching places at which I might want to arrange consultations. So far I have only found one establishment, which I must rule out for purely grammatical reasons.
Exhibit A: The Sentence
"However, in interest of full disclosure, in extremely rare cases, there have been complications on record, which required additional surgery to correct the problems."
I mean let's start off with the very first part, "in interest of full disclosure." It is "in THE interest of full disclosure," but OK, fine. I read that phrase twice and figured it didn't sound too awful without the "the". Then I finished the sentence. Jesus Christ, how many commas can you put in there? Four apparently. But OK, fine. I can overlook that too. Maybe this person was out of breath when they wrote this, panting the whole time they were banging away on their keyboard. Alright. Then, though, I came across
Exhibit B: The Phrase
"such has"
Alright, a typo...maybe. I mean hell, it could be like getting confused about the Elton John lyrics "hold me closer tiny dancer" and "hold me closer Tony Danza" (only confusing to children of the Who's The Boss era, really). But maybe, maybe, if you've only ever said and/or heard the phrase "such as" spoken relatively quickly, it could...coooouuuuuld sound like "such has". Or maybe if you've only ever heard this phrase spoken in the following video:
(Oh, there's so many things I could say here...where to start? OK, OK, I'll stick with
my favorite-- watch Mario Lopez's face during this interview. I'm willing to bet he's
never had to try that hard not to laugh before, including being on set for the infamous
"Jessie Gets Addicted to Caffeine Pills" episode of SBTB.)
Though, if you are taking your grammatical cues from a Miss America Pageant, I should be worried. But not as worried as I was when I read on to see
Exhibit C: The Word
"asses"
Yes. That is "asses", as in "more than one ass." NOT "assess", as in "review something and make an educated decision based on your findings." Now I'm certainly not a doctor, but I can't imagine that inviting any amount of asses, no matter how many or few, is going to be good for my vision. I don't even like to look at my own ass, singular.
If I google "lasik manhattan" I get about 215,000 results. One down, 214,999 more to asses.
(And in case you don't believe me, this is where I won't be going).
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