Things That Make Me Go "Hmmm"

Or maybe "Things That Make Me Go 'AH!'"...

-I hate when I'm putting on jeans and they don't fit up over my thighs, or they feel really snug and like I'm wrestling them on over my butt. I instantly get all self-loathing and start to wonder "why me?" When did I put on this weight?  How have I not noticed?  Almost immediately after looking down however, I always realize that the zipper is only halfway open.  It may be a fake weight-gain, but it's a real wake-up call.  My pulse doesn't get back to resting rate for quite a while.

-Whistling really freaks me out.  Not always, but the majority of the time.  Maybe this is because I can't do it, I don't know, but I think that our society has tricked us into spending the majority of our formative years socializing us to associate someone whistling on a quiet street with crazy killers in Halloween costumes to the point that I can't help but to pick up the pace a bit when someone, probably just happy to have a nice night and feel like Spring is on its way, walks by whistling.  It's only slightly more scary than when my jeans aren't completely unzipped.

-Another "body issue" I have is that I hate when a stray hair from my head finds its way onto a surface of my body that it doesn't belong to.  I go into panic mode and wonder, "how have I not noticed this long, dark, curly hair growing from my breast?  When did it get there?  Why have I overlooked it for so long?"  I always grimace and pinch it between my fingers like one would do with tweezers and prepare to yank it from its home, as if the harder I pull it out, the easier it'll be to forget it ever existed...Only to realize that it is in fact not attached at all, but just fell out of my head as I was getting undressed.  I'm not a half-man/half-beast...yet.

-What is it about an open bar that instills light in my life and fear in my heart?  It's like I become one of those poor Russian women standing in line for toilet paper.  Will there be enough?  Will they close before I can get there? If only I had more hands! Should I get right back in line as soon as I get this round?  I didn't exactly ace Econ in college, but I feel like this has a lot to do with a scarcity principle or something...

-I recently had a really bad Urinary Tract Infection.  The bacteria was resistant to the antibiotic to the doctor put me on though.  A full week after I went to the doctor, she called to tell me that a) I had a UTI and b) the medicine she prescribed didn't work.  Really, you think I didn't know these things?  How much did you charge me again??  And how much did the lab charge to run these tests?  Next time I can save us all the trouble...

He's Just Not That Into Me

If you're thinking to yourself right now, "I bet she's writing this in sweatpants out on her terrace while she eats Fun Dip," you'd be right.  (Flavor: Cherry-YUM-DIDDLY Dip.)

Surprisingly however, this is not the lowest point of my weekend.  (I'm still saying "weekend" because I am off today.)  On Saturday, I found out that my time with #1 would be no more.

He's not dead, no.  Far worse.  He's still alive, no longer dating me, and shopping at my Whole Foods. Between him, EB, and another friend-of-a-friend I went out with, it's definitely time to pack up and leave Manhattan's Lower East Side.  I've dated all the men down here, worn out my welcome, and am pretty sure no one's going to be that sorry to see me go.  Round 'em up boys-- we're heading West again!

(Do you think these guys charge by the hour to move you?)

Things had been going fine with #1-- no, better than fine.  Our last date was a Thursday night when we stayed in at his place and ordered dinner and watched a movie.  We cuddled on the couch, we laughed, it was an all-around good time.  The next morning as I was leaving to come home and get ready for work, he walked me to the door, held me, and passionately made out with me for a minute or two (at 6:30AM) before releasing me and saying he'd talk to me soon.  Nothing-- not a thing-- was awry.  

The next week we'd made plans to get together that Thursday around 9PM.  He had drinks with a college friend he hadn't seen in a while at 7 and couldn't imagine they'd go past 9.  Wednesday night at 11PM he calls me and abruptly tells me that I should make other plans for Thursday because he has dinner plans at 7 and can't imagine what time he'd finish up, plus it's supposed to snow, plus he didn't know what time he'd be done at work and if he'd have to push back dinner.  Now two days earlier it was drinks that'd never make it to 9, all of the sudden it was a dinner that had no end in sight.  I could recognize a brush off, said fine, and he said we'd get together the following week (I was out of town that weekend). I doubted it and had a sneaking suspicion he was meeting an ex-girlfriend out...I'm not sure why, but I could just feel it.

In the meantime, another gentleman had asked me to get together that Thursday night.  This guy graduated from the same school in the same year as #1 so I contacted a friend also from that alma mater and asked her if they knew one another.  She assured me they didn't (through diligent Facebook stalking) and as soon as I hung up the phone with #1, I emailed #2 that my Thursday night had just opened up.  He emailed back that he was still free and definitely wanted to take me out; we made plans and had a wonderful time together (and several more since then).  

This past Saturday morning at around 11AM, my phone rang and it was #1.  I hadn't seen him in almost three weeks, hadn't heard from him in almost two, and hadn't thought about him in quite some time.  I was at work so I didn't answer and he left a message apologizing for not calling sooner but work had been crazy, he hoped I had fun away with my friends the previous weekend, and I should call him back.  When I returned home hours later, I consulted my posse.  I really like #2, he's much more in line with what I'm looking for and how I like to be treated, just all-around #2 is more of a "#1" type of guy.  The consensus however, was that if I did NOT return #1's call, I might always wonder what he had wanted to say.  I debated by myself for a while longer anyway and then finally bit the bullet to call him back.  After 45 seconds of small talk ("Oh man, you had to work today?" kind of crap), the following conversation ensued:

#1: So listen, I have to talk to you about something.

Goose&Bull: OK (thinking to myself oh shit! He knows #2!!)

1: I don't think I see this going anywhere.

G: Yeah, I kinda felt like that too.

1: I had a great time with you, but I just don't think this will be more than what it is.

G: I know, I was thinking the same thing.

1: I had a great time over the past couple of months or whatever, but I just don't see this ever developing into anything other than what it already is.

G: Mhm, I really agree.

1: OK, so then have a great rest of the weekend!

It was the most bizarre conversation of my life.  In case, without hearing him aaactually say the words, you missed out on the subtext of the dialogue, let me break it down for you:

1: Hi.  So I know we haven't spoken in weeks and seen one another in even longer, but I just need to make sure you're not at all misreading the situation.  I'm just gonna come out and say it plainly so there's no misunderstanding.  I. DON'T. LIKE. YOU.

After we hung up with one another I spent about 10 seconds marveling at the social awkwardness of it all, and then the rest of the next hour hysterically laughing at the sheer absurdity of what had just transpired.  Like he called me out of the blue to tell me he's not going to be calling me any more.  Yeah dude, already figured that out and wrote you off weeks ago.  

The best part however, is that now I can share the true meaning of his name, "#1".  Aside from being the former favorite of my dating lineup, he had just one testicle-- an issue that consumed many of my friends'  minds when I talked about him (though I always forgot he was one short until it was go-time) and would have precluded me from ever introducing him to anyone.  It also became the theme of our girls' ski weekend and the caption "We had 'a ball'" made its way under several of our Facebook photos.  

And now I'm just dating #2 (and some other people, but #2 is the main player in the game).  Because as we all know, two is much better than one because the lonliest number is the number one...

PS- In case your wondering if #2's name is at all indicative of HIS uh, situation, I can say with much relief that it is :)