Have You Seen This Man?

I have another date tomorrow, with another new guy.

Last week, my friend was asking me how the single life was.  "Single," I said.  Seeing as he is successful, settled, and stable (both mentally and emotionally), I asked him if he knew any unattached guys.  "Too many," he said, "what're you looking for?"

I told him I was easy, and he made the obligatory joke about already knowing that.  Ba dum ching!  No, really though, I am.  I'm high maintenance in my own life (grades in school, work, personal grooming), but in relationships I really demand relatively little.  I don't need a man around to buy me things because I take care of mahself pret-ty generously (if I say so).  I don't need a man around to have plans on a Saturday night because I have a large network of friends-- the one to two nights a week I'm home are because I had to reserve the time to just be alone and relax.  I don't need a man around to take me to dinner or drinks because I'd much prefer to get my own and not be stuck talking to him all night. 

Don't get me wrong-- I love being in a relationship with the right person, but I don't really lean too heavily on him.  

I explained to my friend that I like tall guys, but not skinny and tall (skinnytall grosses me out) that are smart/quick-witted and like to go out and drink.  If I have nothing more than one drink with the guy, I'd like him to at least be funny so it's not torturous.  He pushed me, saying that wasn't specific at all and to get really detailed, he has lots of single friends, trust him.  "OK," I said, "I'll list." 

And so it began, with questions prompting me as I went, that I compiled a list of many of my dream man's qualities over the next 20 or so minutes. 

Looking To Hire The Following Man:
-man with a good job that he likes...but not more than he likes me
-close with his family, family's important to me
-socially-aware/gentleman (i.e. don't ever tell me to pay if I don't offer ((THIS HAS HAPPENED)), hold open the door for me, and for the love of God take me somewhere that makes me think you give half a shit)
-likes to travel
-is active...sometimes I love to lie around and be lazy, but for the most part, I'm constantly on the move
-isn't afraid to be in a relationship.  LE pursued me for months on end and I showed minimal interest, then I finally relax into something real with him and he bails.  Not looking for that again.
-politically liberal, but not a deal-breaker if he isn't
-I don't care what religion you are as long as you aren't RELIGIOUS

My friend thought for a few minutes (I pictured his brain working like a computer in an 80's movie-- all lights and beeps and gears churning, finally spitting out a little piece of paper with an answer) and sent me a picture of his friend, asking if we'd met before.  "Nope, definitely not."  He sent his friend my email, we e-flirted, and made plans to go out Thursday night.

(Friend's processing time was much faster)

I thank my friend for the set-up, as Date sounds pretty decent and I'm kinda looking forward to getting together.  It was so nice of him to really want to know what I was interested in ("No problem!").  He put so much thought into the set-up ("Of course I did!").  This guy is really funny and his grammar (a deal breaker for me) is totally passable ("You have a lot in common.  If nothing else, I think you will both enjoy yourselves for a night").

Monday rolls around though, and I start to go over Date's name in my head.  He is from out west, so for the purposes of this blog, he shall heretoforth be known as Buffalo Bill.  So anyway, I start thinking about Buffalo Bill and remember that he was over at my apartment a month or two back.  I had come home in a bad mood and holed myself up in my room, being antisocial.  The next day my friend had asked what was up with me the night before and mentioned wanting to introduce me to a friend that was over:  Buffalo.  Bill. 

Wait a second.

I gchat my friend and tell him that the jig is up.  (Who could NOT love that phrase??)  I knew what he was doing.  He'd wanted to set me up with Buffalo Bill for forever, and no matter what I had said or described, that was the guy he was introducing me to.  He was just going to highlight whichever of Buffalo's characteristics most closely fit my list to sell me on him. 

"Look," he says, "to sum up, he is tall, not 'skinny', and likes to go out.  That was your first criteria, wasn't it?"

The day a man listens to more than the first three things out of my mouth, I'll drop dead.