I mean half of these guys don't even have a real name...Well obviously they have a real name but maybe it's one that I don't know or didn't care to learn. Either way, these men were (mostly) in and out of my life in a night.
(TX friend-- this will always remind me of my grandmother's shore house)
(Insert that great, quick, two-chord BOMBOM right here that opens every scene on Law&Order): Big Daddy. Ohhhhh, Big Daddy. Big Daddy and I met at a bar my Senior year of college. I had on this drapey top with no bra (very JWow actually, shudder) and was checking him out and making serious eye contact from across the room when my boob fell out. I quickly readjusted my shirt and died of shame, then moments later my friend-- who happened to be in from Philly for the night-- came up to me, as we didn't know the other would be there. His friends? The hot guy who just saw my breast and some other guy. Hot guy and I hit it off right away and I don't think it was more than a few minutes before I asked him if he wanted to come home with me. Boy did I have game back then, sigh.
After we had sex the first time, we got to talking. He was 28 (ish?) and in town because he was the trainer (coach??) of a college men's rugby (lacrosse??? soccer????) team. He also had a five year old son. (Ooooohhhh, Big Daddy, I get it now.) He left the next morning to go do whatever the hell it was he was in town doing and I lay in bed, dying from a hangover. We kept in touch via text (that's how you know it's true love!) for a week or so, until my friend's mom died and I was heading to the funeral. On the way there I realized that life is way too short to spend wasting on people that you don't love and won't matter in the long run. We never really spoke again after that. ...Funny though that I was able to grasp that lesson at 21 and seem to have all but forgotten it by 27.
Next up is Sig Pi Guy. He was this...guy...in the fraternity Sigma Pi. We met at a frat party (duh) my Junior year, but apparently he'd noticed me a couple of weeks earlier at a party at his apartment I attended with some friends. He was so cute and 100% my type, so I was excited that he noticed AND remembered me, but I jumped on it. I'm not sure what happened, but somehow we wound up back in my dorm room...along with my roommate and HER hookup for the evening. While she had known the guy she was about to hookup with for her entire life, I somehow wound up getting sexiled with my stranger, who, for all anyone knew, could've turned out to be a total psycho. (This, however, didn't deter me from meeting random guys, but simply led me to tell my roommate that in the future when we're both there and one of us is with a "stray", the stray stays and the girl with the more well-known guy goes back to his place. Ah, to be young.)
Back at his place (which was like a gazillion miles from mine and it was like 3AM by this point), we walk in to find his dog missing. This is, apparently, his childhood dog that he just begged his parents to let him bring up to school to live with him. Then like the second weekend he has the thing, he loses it. We look in all of his roommates' rooms, wake up someone, and then proceed to comb THE ENTIRE AREA calling out for the dog. Now those of you that know me can imagine how this is my dream scenario: I come back to have sex, only to find out I'll be having no sex. I'm rapidly sobering up and becoming more hungover. I don't like animals and now I'm doing Search & Rescue for a dog I've never met because the man I'm with is about to become hysterical. TURN ON!! After what felt like an eternity and could actually be anywhere from 15 to 45 minutes, we return to his apartment empty-handed. Now I'm so not in the mood to hook up and he's managed to do a 180 from a minute earlier and decides the dog is probably fine and at a party with a roommate or something. I remember the sex was less than stellar and realized that not every body part is proportional to every other.
A couple of years later, I'm back at school for a football game post-graduation. My friend and I are walking through tailgates and who should be there? Sig Pi Guy. Now I never would've approached him because I can't totally recall, but I'm pretty sure nothing really happened again between us after that night. He just happened to be standing with a guy who my friend wanted to talk to, we chitchatted, and moved along. That night, my friend and I are leaving our favorite old bar as it closed and my phone rang. Really wanting to hook up with the ex who was calling, we headed over to his old frat house. I called him back when we got there to try and describe my location. He came to look for me and we just could not see the other one. All of the sudden I realized I WASN'T (ever) talking to my ex, but to Sig Pi Guy-- whose house we weren't even at. "Whooooo is this??" I asked into the phone, and then quickly hung up. I found my friend dancing on a coffee table with some middle-aged woman and we high-tailed it out. Lesson there? Never delete someone's number from your phone, not all body parts are created equal, and if you're having a one-night stand, do it at your own place. Because nothing bad ever happens to anyone at their own place...Sig Pi Guy was a three-for-one on the lessons.
Scene: New Years Eve 2006/2007. My friend is so drunk at the club where we're celebrating, we need to carry her out. Except, "we" don't carry her out, this group of guys that we'd been talking to does. They also hail us a limousine, pay for it, and come back to my friend's apartment. I slept with a guy who was (and possibly still is) an elementary school teacher. While we were in bed, he talked to me like I was a little kid because he was so used to operating on that level. My friend kicked his buddy out of bed after about an hour of making out because she wasn't feeling it; my guy didn't leave until early the next afternoon, in one sock because the other was missing. Lesson? Just because you have gun to your head doesn't mean you have to pull the trigger.
Curtain rises, we see people enjoying Halloween at an Irish pub in Madrid. I hadn't had sex since May or June. A gorgeous Greek man who'd grown up in Australia starts talking to me. I don't understand a word he says so we begin to wildly make out. Then, we wildly have sex all night (we're talking bed in the middle of the room, pictures falling off of the walls) before he leaves the next day to continue traveling the world on his year off. Lesson learned? Always use a condom. I had nightmares for months I was pregnant with this guy's child and had no idea who he was.
And wow, before I go on, I think I'll leave off here so I can go take a shower and stop feeling like a dirty whore.
Therefore to recap:
Lesson 1) Secrets secrets are no fun, secret relationships hurt someone. (Me.)
Lesson 2) When things are over, there's no need to play nice. (It just leads people on.)
Lesson 3) Life is too short to waste on people that aren't significant to you.
Lesson 4) Save every man's number in your phone forever; only have one-night stands at your own place; there is no rule for figuring out penis size ahead of time.
Lesson 5) Just because you have a gun to your head doesn't mean you have to pull the trigger. (It's a woman's prerogative to change her mind half-way through everything.)
Lesson 6) Always use a condom. ('Nuff said.)
Check.
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