I'm sure I'm not in the minority when I say this and I'm sure this proclamation isn't exactly a shocking revelation to anyone, but that doesn't make it any less true (or trite). What I just don't understand is how coming from such a good place, of love and kindness and motherly worrying, her messages can tend to get so garbled and go so horribly wrong half the time. I guess it's true what they say: the heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of.
(That sounds about right)
I also know that this tradition of parents driving their children insane is as old as humankind. My father's mother will be the first to tell you how bad your hair looks or everyone else if she doesn't like the remodeling you're having done in your home. My mother's mother suffered from the most interesting case of "selective deafness" such that 13+ years after her passing experts the world over are still dumbfounded. And it doesn't sound like their mothers were a treat either; my mother's parents being raised by super-strict Irish Catholics (is there any better kind?) and my father's mother by the storybook-perfect Evil Stepmother. Ah yes, TRADITION!
My own mother's personal brand of torture is the "I Know It Alls". She suffers from a chronic case. Now in her defense, this is only partly her fault. People have been paying for her advice for over 30 years, as she runs a successful private practice working as a shrink. Unfortunately for her (me??), the line between giving her opinion to those who seek it and constantly shoving it down the throats of her children completely unsolicited has been terribly blurred. She believes that every "pearl of wisdom" she bestows is a treat. And maybe that is so, but it's definitely a treat that should be washed down with a stiff drink. For example, I just called to tell her that I didn't get a promotion at work (which I wasn't expecting to receive) and told her not to worry about it and that I wasn't even upset. Her response was to tell me that this is because I have the wrong job, am looking for other opportunities in the wrong field, and above all else, I live in the wrong city. Now the "wrong city" shtick has been an Off-Broadway hit for some time, but as the audience appears to be tiring of the same old song and dance numbers, she's brought in "looking for other opportunities in the wrong field" to spice things up. I've tried scalping my tickets long ago but my brothers moved to cities outside of a day-trip and call home with much less frequency so I've had trouble getting any takers. Here's a list of some songs off the soundtrack and if you're interested, I'll give you my ticket at face value:
1) You Got Your Eyebrows Waxed Too Thin
2) That Shirt Is Cut A Little Low
3) You Drink Too Much
4) Why Did You Straighten Your Hair? (You Have Such Beautiful Hair)
5) Oh, Look Who's Finally Awake --Dad's solo
6) You Need To Leave New York
7) You're Terrible With Money (I Worry About You All The Time)
8) Why Do You Want To Work In HR? (Your Father And I Don't Understand)
9) How Much Did THAT Cost? --duet with Dad
10) Is That New?
11) You Sleep With People Too Soon
12) You Drink Too Much (Reprise)
I know, I know. She says all of this because she loves me. Or at least this is how she justifies it...I mean maybe that in and of itself is crazy; constantly criticizing someone and then passing it off as love. Who knows? Shrug. I'm sure I'll do it to my children too and this is what worries me. When I try and explain this to BB-- how you have children and then all they do is grow up and become ungrateful and say you drive them nuts so what's the point in even having them-- he doesn't understand. And so, if you fall into that category of Not Following What I'm Saying, then I feel even worse for your children than I do my own. You'll drive them crazy without even realizing you're doing it because nobody's done it to you to at least make you cognizant of perpetuating the human cycle of driving your children insane.
Now as I write all of this, I realize that I'm going to a friend's mother's wake tonight and that he'll never get to have her make him nuts again. I understand the irony of how lucky I truly am today.
And my own mother's response? "Don't worry, your father and I aren't going anywhere for a long time. We'll be making you crazy for years and years to come."
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