First, let me back up. It's hard to write during summer. Honestly, there are just so many better things to do than come home and lie on my bed with my hot laptop and indulge in my thoughts and little insanities. However, this doesn't mean that I stop thinking or making myself nuts when I'm not blogging...if anything, it's the opposite. Without an outlet at the end of the day, I drive myself positively crazy. In other news though, it's also hard to write when you have a boyfriend. Yes, I'm seeing someone.
("Have you got a boyfriend? A real one?"..."I have, father. I have. And he's perfect.")
To start, the silence is because I've been spending a good amount of time with him. Then, the nights that I'm not with him I'm either out catching up with friends or home screening calls and enjoying doing nothing. (Funny thing about silence: it's never awkward if it's just you.) Secondly, it's because after we started dating I began to wonder if I'd ever be comfortable with him reading this site. The answer was "no" and still is; however if I'm going to be with someone, I want it to be someone that accepts me for who I am-- self-indulgent, over-revealing website and all. And while I have no plans to share this site with him, it is time that I return home with my tail between my legs, the prodigal blogger. Let the chips fall where they may in the future, I'm completely wiped from playing the part of "sweet, laid-back girlfriend" and need to get back to me.
And as you all know, thinking about anyone but myself is an incredibly arduous task.
It took me a while to warm up to the idea frankly. I mean a goodlooking guy who was sweet and nice and caring and funny and pushing ME for a relationship? I couldn't figure out what his angle was. Turns out he hasn't got one. No angles. Just all soft. Sugar and spice and amazing in bed and everything nice. He's a keeper. And therein lies my problem. Because HE'S so indulgent and amiable and laissez faire, he makes me want to return the favor. (Shit! Have I finally found someone that makes me want to be a better person?) This is inherently against my nature. Thus, engaging in any type of behaviour that mirrors his just sucks the life out of me.
Case in point: Current Boyfriend spends 99.9% of the nights we're together at my apartment. Even more than that actually. In my defense though, my apartment is much closer to both of our offices and in a better location in the city. (Actually, he's not even in the city...he's in...gulp...Brooklyn. Now you know I must really like him.) I've never dated anyone and had my apartment be relationship headquarters before. Anyway, he worked late last Wednesday and then spent Thursday night through Monday morning with me, only to work late again Monday night. While we usually spend Tuesday nights together, he didn't ask me to this week and I figured it was because he probably just needed to be at his apartment and decompress. I was right, and he even spent most of the night calling or texting me. However, because he never really pushes for time alone or guys' nights out, I also offered for him to have Thursday to himself if our plans with his friends fell through. And you know what the bastard did? He took me up on it! But goddammit, even calling him a bastard feels forced. He makes me feel so secure and cared-for that I don't have that desperate sinking feeling in my stomach about not seeing him until Friday. Instead I sit here alone in my bed, writing to no one in particular, wondering what has become of me.
Did I mature over the summer? I mean of course I'm slightly disappointed that he's choosing to go home and hang out by himself after work on Thursday, but I also know that if I wanted to see him I could say so and I'm sure he would see me, smiles and all. I'm baffled. I kind of gave him a test and he kind of failed, but I also kind of meant it and honestly kind of didn't care that he felt like lying low and alone. Is this what it feels like when you date someone who makes you feel respected and like an equal? Or am I a total schmuck and giving him too much space? I have a sinking suspicion it's the former.
And so, here I sit: legs dangling over the edge of reason. Except, I'm completely calm.
And it feels good.
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