I know, I know. It's been a while. First I was sick, then I was away, then I was swamped at work. But who needs excuses? I'm here now and that's all that matters. I wasn't not writing because interesting things weren't happening-- oh no. On the contrary actually, too much has been happening; so when I get home at the end of a long day and have an amazing story that I really want to tell well, I know I just don't have the time to do it justice before I completely pass out. So now, as I've neglected to share so much in an effort not to do it half-assed, I'm going to have to half-assed gloss over the past month to get everyone caught up, as things keep moving forward and I constantly have something new to say.
(It's time to get you up to speed...or back to the future if you will)
Well, let's start at the beginning. Miami was amazing-- a total shitshow and we wouldn't have settled for anything less. I think the theme song for the weekend was "Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots!"...so much so that by the time we all got home people found themselves running late for work singing "Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!" or getting ready to grab food thinking "Lunch! Lunch! Lunch! Lunch! Lunch!". We got thrown out of clubs, danced on tables, made out with South American men, and the bride-to-be even attempted a running dive into the pool at the Delano around 1AM. When the weekend ended nobody wanted to leave, however we all understood the reality that spending any more time there was going to either bankrupt us or kill someone. A good time was definitely had by all; I've untagged the Facebook pictures that prove it.
Later on in the week following that trip I had the best dating karma run-in of my life. I was heading to meet a friend for the SATC2 premier a couple of blocks from #2's apartment. I purposefully walked way the hell out of my way to avoid his block even though it was hours before he normally gets out of work. As I was heading down the sidewalk, I saw a crowd of people and two police cars with their officers out in the circle. Annoyed at the obstruction, I ducked into the street to bypass the madness. As I did so, I noticed a body on the ground. I made a face-- yuck, dead body-- and kept walking. I would love to classify this as me being a jaded New Yorker, but it's not like this city's sidewalks are routinely filled with bodies to the point where it shouldn't affect me. I think I'm just a bad person. Anyway. As I hurried past the group I heard my name shouted out. My initial reaction was to be embarrassed that someone saw me being so callous about another human's life. I turned around and headed back towards the source of the yell, unable to distinguish anyone in the crowd without my glasses on. All of the sudden, there he was...#2. The last time I saw him was when we ran into each other at a bar two weeks earlier, he insisted on tagging along with my friend and I for the rest of the night, we hooked up, and he threw me out the next morning mid-makeout. Needless to say, I wasn't anxious to see him again. I stumbled all over myself and asked what was going on. "This guy just robbed me at the ATM there," he said and pointed to a freestanding, enclosed Bank of America ATM, "and then robbed this guy," pointing to the man next to him, "and he beat the shit out of him." So the man on the ground wasn't dead afterall, but simply beaten unconscious by someone much braver and more masculine than #2 appears to be. Then, #2 promptly turned around and began giving his report to the cop in front of him. I stood awkwardly for a second, unsure of what to do, and then, thinking of The Rules (this terrible book I read that all of the women at work raved about), I spun on my heels and headed off to meet my friend, not looking back. He texted me a short while later, joking that I didn't stick around to see him participate in some much-needed justice, but by that point I was so over the whole ordeal that I just responded (an hour later) that I was busy but hope it all went well. We haven't spoken since, and every time I need a good laugh I think about him being held up, watching someone else get held up, and then watching said "someone else" stick up for both of them. Oh how I giggle at this.
To digress for a moment to The Rules though...In case you are unfamiliar with this book, it is a set of rules for making a man fall madly in love with you and propose. Some of them I can get behind, like you should only see someone once a week for the first month, you should always end the date and conversation first to maintain the upper hand, it's OK to be "busy" sometimes-- don't change your plans around for him, etc. I think the general idea is that the less attainable you are, the more he'll want you. I'm sure this is probably true. However, I've never had a worse time than when I was following these goddamn rules the past month. I never got drunk; I never had sex. Granted men were crawling out of the woodwork to call me, but it wasn't even fun to go out with them. They were calling me before and hell, maybe it was for different reasons (like wanting to get drunk and have sex), but at least I knew where everyone stood. The root of the problem is that this book is all about getting to know someone and gradually and mysteriously revealing yourself. Unfortunately, I really don't like anyone so the more I get to know them, the less I care for them. The last thing I want is them liking me.
Let's see, what else...There was also a great Memorial Day Weekend that involved a party in the Hamptons at the mansion of a famous steak restaurateur, a run-in with some racist lunatic on the reality show High Society, and an evening with the craziest video blogger I've ever met (http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/86b7a13dc0/mr-hedgehog-cleans-the-shores-of-the-gulf-and-spills-the-truth-about-who-is-to-blame). I also had the best pizza I've had the pleasure of enjoying (and I'm a pizza connoisseur) and witnessed my friend inadvertently and repeatedly gay bashing all of the attendees at said event until she finally decided to sit alone and drink heavily. All-in-all a successful weekend. And of course we can't forget my birthday -- I promise to finish my lessons soon!-- and the British Garden Party in Deleware where I ate salmon for three meals in a row (don't ask). Oh, and I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the gorgeous professional rugby player that I hooked up with in May who swung back through town this past weekend.
Yes, that about brings us up to the present.
I'll fill you in on the people I'm actually dating soon.
ABOUT TIME! WELCOME BACK :)
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