Love, Hate, and Facebook

Who are the people that have nothing better to do than sit on facebook and scan through the millions of strangers they don't know, friend requesting and/or messaging them? I mean, I've been known to stalk down a person or two in my day, but can I be totally honest here? Stupid question, of course I can. This is my blog. Anyway, if I don't know you, I probably don't give a shit about what you're doing. Truthfully, even if I DO know you I probably don't give a shit about what you're doing-- unless it's something way less cool/fun/successful than what I'm doing, in which case I'll freely check your page from time to time if for no other reason then to laugh at you and think about how great I am/have it. And come on, we all know that's true. It's so freeing to be self-absorbed.

But back to the random facebookers. What makes you think that if we've never met, don't live in the same city, have a single friend or group in common, that I'd want to accept your friend request? Please, tell me. I'm dying to know. Even more so, what makes you think that I welcome any uninvited contact between us? While I foolishly thought I'd gone to great lengths to remain hidden in plain sight (aka setting my privacy settings to "witness protection level"), I've not only managed to have been found by a complete stranger, but messaged as well.

True story: At 2am last night, I got the following message from "Mady Kaster." Now I put Mady's name in quotes not because I'm using a pseudonym to protect the true Mady, but because "Mady Kaster" sounds like the biggest bullshit name that I've ever heard.

Subject: No Subject
wooooo..
ur hot!!!

so hot..
damn girl watu eat?????????????

After reading this message this morning, I deliberated for about 30 seconds on whether or not to respond. I decided I wasn't going to ignore Mady as per my usual move, but put Mady in his/her place. (I've decided Mady is either a man, or a woman with a lower-back tattoo of a butterfly).

Dear Mady,

I maintain my youthful figure on a steady and well-balanced diet of urban slang. Thanks for the inquiry!

Now, as soon as I sent this, I felt a wave of nausea. What had I done? If Mady could find me on facebook, maybe Mady could find me in real life! Maybe I've angered Mady...and maybe, just like The Incredible Hulk, you don't want to make Mady angry. Or worse yet, what if I've started a gang war with Mady? And I don't even have a gang to back me up!! And I work in Harlem-- if I leave my office and Mady is waiting outside for me, as Mady has the advantage of knowing what I look like while Mady remains faceless on facebook, I wouldn't even know! Mady could hit me over the head with a bag of pennies before I even had time to waste my last breath crying out for help.

Don't fear though-- Mady responded four minutes later.

lol...urban slang........... funny.
no seriously, is there some sort of excercise you do...

btw, would u b intersted in a vip pool party the upcoming sat..
if u r...just drop me a message..

have a good one :)

Oh Mady, Mady, Mady. The only thing I would be "intersted" in is knowing how you so callously ignore the squiggly red line that spell check graciously provides for you. How ballsy to send an email written out as a text (b, u, r) and not even bother to spell the actual words correctly! Especially after I JUST MADE FUN OF YOU! You know what, Mady? I'm glad you don't have a picture. If you did, I wouldn't be able to picture your face looking as stupid as your emails. Also, if you were very hot I'd have to forgive you a little and then feel ashamed of myself.

My advice to you Mady? (And you know who you are, Madys of the world out there). Go back to myspace.